There is often difficult when communicating with a person who has dementia as their memory, perceptions and understanding alter throughout the Dementia progression. For most of these are said with good intent however some phrases, said in frustration or confusion, can actually distress, worry and make them retreat. Understanding what not to say is therefore as important as understanding what to say and even a slight alteration to what is said will show you understand how they are feeling.

‘Don’t you remember?’
This is such a frequently heard question, but it can cause great distress to someone with dementia. Dementia is not a conscious lack of recall and they cannot be held responsible for what they forget. Their recall could be, instead, a cause of their distress. The challenge is often to reintroduce the topic of discussion in an understated way rather than try and force them to remember..

“I Just Told you That”

I just told you that. Repetition is a symptom of dementia. When you hear this phrase, it can make you feel guilty and inadequate, and also increase agitation. Instead of responding with correction, you should remain calm and patient, and accept that you may need to repeat yourself.

“You’re wrong.”

Correcting someone directly—especially about their reality—can create confusion or distress. For example, if a person believes they need to go to work despite being retired, telling them they’re wrong may not help. Instead, it’s often better to acknowledge their feelings and gently redirect the conversation. This approach helps maintain trust and reduces anxiety.

“Why are you doing that?”

Questions like this can feel confrontational, even if they’re not intended that way. Someone with dementia may not be able to explain their actions, which can lead to frustration. Instead of questioning, try observing and offering support. For example, “Can I help you with that?” is more reassuring and constructive.

“That never happened.”

It is most particularly upsetting to confront someone about their memory. Though it is not true in reality, in the subject it IS real. Arguing with or refuting a statement such as this will further confuse and alienate. Work with the emotion the person is expressing, rather than the accuracy of their statement.

You used to know this.”

Bringing up past accomplishments will remind the person what they were once capable of, and this can have the opposite effect than what is intended, by highlighting the loss and not the ability, damaging their self-confidence and self esteem.